Let the Games begin...

And without further adeu let us begin the rants, the observations, the chaos and all the other amazing things that are sure to surface over the course of the next 17 days.
Considering NBC is doing the coverage yet again there shouldn't be a lack of comic material. The commentators alone drive me ape shit. Mary Carillo speaks like she has too many teeth in her mouth and with a swollen tongue. Chris Collinsworth couldn't get any more annoying as it pertains to his excitement that are the Olympic games. Dick Button, Al Michaels, Dan Patrick (WTF?) and Scott Hamilton just off the top of my head. I'll spare them for now since they are sure to be a heavy topic along the ride.

I've gone through the Olympic calender briefly and here are a few topics that I, for one, am looking forward to as well as a few other things relating to the games.

The early storylines and what to watch:

- Canada has already pissed off the field with their "It's our Olympics and we're not going to let you practice here because we want to win." stance. The result cost the life of one athlete already as he hit an unpadded steel pole at 88 mph. Nodar Kumaritashvili was 21 years old and died in route to the hospital. All of this coming after many athletes complained about their concern that Canada wasn't doing everything necessarry regarding safety. Nice start Canada. Backlash is likely to follow.

- Opening Ceremonies... same old bullshit I'm sure and after the spectacle that Beijing was there's no doubt this will seem lame. USA will be sporting their Ralph Lauren attire as if anyone gives a shit.

- Let's cut the shit... Wayne Gretzky is lighting the torch. Who the hell else does Canada have? Allanis Morissette? Speaking of which, isn't it ironic that the Winter Olympics are in Canada the coldest place on the planet yet Cypress Mountain soesn't have any snow?

- Lindsey Vonn was supposed to be the Michael Phelps of these games en route to 5 Gold medals and after smashing her shin training in Austria last week it's possible she may not even compete. Then again she was airlifted from the 2006 Torino Olympics and hospitalized after injuring her back but still managed to return and compete. She did not medal. Choke!

- Did I mention Vonn is using cheese to heel? I have no idea. Apparently wrapping her leg in cheese is supposed to reduce the swelling and do some other magical shit. If she wins a medal she's not going to need that elusive Wheaties box because she's going to make millions from Velveeta.

- Ski Jumping will be the first event. Good time to pee.

- Bode Miller is back and he's crazier than ever. If he stays up, he might dominate. In other words, he ain't going to win shit. But it's sure going to be fun as hell to watch the train wreck try.

- Apolo Ono. He's starting to remind of Dan Jansen only in the fact that it seems like he's been in the Olympics since the dawn of time. Oh by the way, he may add to his record setting number of medals.

- Dutchman Sven Kramer hasn't lost the Speedskating 5,000 meter since '07. Hope you like the Dutch National Anthem.

- The competitors for the Luge and Bobsled teams abroad have dubbed treacherous turn 13 the "50/50 curve" because half the time you'll make it, half the time you're eating shit.... and 1 time someone died.

- The Flying Tomato, Shaun White, is sick. The man breaks his face on a ramp in his warm ups for the X Games and looked like he might be crippled, instead he comes back and wins Gold. Team America! Fuck Yeah!

- Women's and Pairs Figure Skating. May as well start chanting "U-S-A, No fucking way!" That's real. Get over it.

- Mens Figure Skating. Maybe the deepest group ever for the States. That's all I got. Anything more and rumors will start.

- Women's Hockey. They should coast into the medal rounds and then hopefully and likely will get Canada in the Gold medal game. Then and only then will I watch even a second of that event. On second thought I'll just wait to see the final score.

- Men's Hockey. Haven't won Gold in 30 years. They have got to be motivated playing North of the border though and hoping to get Canada in the finals. Talk about bragging rights.

- Women's Luge. Germany is the equivalent to our Dream Team in basketball. Next.

- Men's Speedskating. Shani Davis does on frozen water what Michael Phelps does in 80 degree water. The 1,500 is in the bag barring catastrophe. Reportedly Stephen Colbert is sponsoring the 1,000 in an attempt to interview the uber private Davis.

- Men's Luge Doubles. Seriously? Two large grown men cuddled up on a plank the size of a large pizza. What's the next step... a "safe word"? Jeepers.

- Men's Figure Skating Free Skate. Let me know what happens. Secretly I'll be watching but you'll never catch me doing so and I'll deny it like I did masterbation the first few years.

- Women's Snowboarding/Halfpipe. Gretchen Bleiler Vs. the World. The girl has widely been considered the best in the World yet keeps missing out on the Gold. Doesn't that sort of mean that maybe she's not the best in the world?

- Men's Super G. Bode! Bode! Bode! Either he's wasted, eats massive shit or wins Gold. Any of which would be fucking awesome! I can't wait.

- Men's Skeleton. The most bad ass event in the Olympics. Face first death plunge at 85 mps on the fastest track on the globe with your beak 2 inches off the turf. Finish or die.

- Women's Super G. Vonn-go or Vonn-no-go. She can literally become a legend or a nameless faceless being in the blink of an eye. Much like my sexual performances in college.

- Cross Country 30K. Snore.

- Ice Dancing Free Dance. It's fun to see what races will get offended by the costumes. So touchy these Aboriginal peeps. Like anything bad ever happened to them.

- Women's Bobsled. Much like Nascar, you'll watch just to see the destructive wrecks. I cheer for wrecks, not injuries. It's also going to be a coin toss between Germany, Canada and the Stars and Stripes. Yeah, like I fucking know.

- Curling! 'Nuff said. And I mean that in an "It's Awesome" way.

- Closing Ceremonies.

I skipped a number of events but that's the gist of it. As each day unfolds I will post my observations the following day.