Day 6

It was a huge day for America because our biggest and brightest stars stepped up to the plate and hit it out of the park on the biggest stage of them all. Lindsey Vonn, Shani Davis and Shaun White all delivered Gold Medal performances and made one thing clear to all those watching. They are considerably better than their competition and, frankly, it's not close. You can throw Apolo Ono into that category as well although he didn't have any Medal events yesterday he did qualify disgustingly easy in his 1000 as well as in the mens 10K relay.

These are 4 of the United States greatest Winter Athletes ever. Look at their resumes. Again, it's not close.

Vonn: 3 time World Cup Champion and Olympic Gold Medalist with 2 more opportunities still to add to that, which she will be favored. The USA Silver Medalist had the run of her life and Vonn smoked her on an injured leg. Her fiercest rivals all collapsed and were obviously intimidated by the rock hard and fast surface. Vonn made it herebitch. She's the best female skier alive. It's not close.

Davis: First Speed Skater ever to win back to back Gold Medals in the 1000 meters. He also hasn't lost the event since 2007. It's not close.

White: The kid is so far ahead of rest of the sport that he has everything that exists mastered to the point that he invents, names and masters new tricks that the rest of the world has never even heard of before let alone attempted. He's just better than everyone else. It's not close.

Apolo Ono: Admitted himself he gets more recognized as being that kid on "Dancing with the Stars" but he is the most decorated Winter Games American athlete ever and he will likely add a couple more these games as he will be the heavy favorite going in. He's style is effortless and like the others it only takes an average viewer about 10 seconds of watching him skate to realize "That guy is way better than everyone else." It's not close.

Speaking of all that... have you ever seen Dan Marino throw a football?

BREAKING NEWS!
Olympic coverage starts with the announcement that Tiger Woods will be making his first public appearance since Penisgate. How convenient Tiger, make this announcement during the Olympics and on a Friday during a PGA Tournament. Calculated. Absolutely. Selfishly poor timing. Absolutely. Smart. Absolutely.

The segment on snowboarding pioneer Jake Burton was awesome! Best spot NBC has done showing the beginning and evolution of the sport. I'd love to see an entire film or documentary on that. Just great stuff. It's still doesn't feel Olympics to me but it's remarkable how far this sport has come in such a short period of time. Really. Think about it. Remarkable.

We actually had some Cross Country drama. The #1 skier in the world takes a corner a little hot and plummets into a revine about 10 feet deep landing on rocks and snow. Apparently the craziest accident to ever happen in the history of the sport according to the commentator that kept belaboring that point for drmatic effect. She returned and won a Bronze Medal. So what you're saying is it's usually consideably more boring than this? Yikes.

The one cool thing about Cross Country is you can advance if you're the "lucky loser" which means you didn't automatically qualify by finishing in the top 2 of your heat but your time was the best among the rest... so you advance as the "lucky loser". Love it.

Why do the Scandinavian countries dominate the Cross Country events? Norway, Sweden and Poland consistently dominate the podium as well as the top 10. Apparently they just care more.

BREAKING NEWS!
Brian Williams reporting that the TSA will now randomly select travellers and swab their hands for bomb residue. Great. I'm sure that won't cause any problems. In theory, great idea. In reality, travel nightmare.

Collinsworth: Shaun White awesome interview Part. 2...
Just to show how rapidly the sport is growing they White discussed how his Gold Medal winning performance 4 years ago would "maybe" be good enough to qualify for the finals. He played it safe just to qaulify for the finals in his first run and went about 60-70% and still stomped the coarse with a 45.8 out of a possible 50, which was far better than anyone else that gave it their all. He's in a class by himself. Period.

Heading into the 1000 meter Speed Skating event the USA has the most Gold Medals with 4 than any other country... make that 5 as World Record Holder Shani Davis easily skated to his 2nd consecutive Gold in the event.

Short Track: Apolo Ono is just fun to watch. He's such a tactician. His style is so chill until he decides to make his move and once he does it's over. It's a tricky even and as long as he can avoid contact he's tough to beat. It's like he plays with the other guys.

His teammate Travis Jayner flat out choked. He had the lead and was well on his way to advancing to the finals until he got sloppy and hit a lane marker on the final turn. The result... 2 skaters passed him leaving him out of the finals and any hopes of bringing home some hardware.

Conversely, teammate J.R. Celski played it cool until the final turn before he exploded to win the heat and advance at the last possible second.

The Vonn interviews after the trial runs prior to her downhill event reeked of dramatic theatrics. I have no idea how badly she is hurt but regardless she milked it for everything it was worth. I just got the sense she was being a drama queen and for selfish reasons making the injury out to be more than it really was. Maybe I'm wrong, I just couldn't help but get that feeling listening to her and watching her theatrics. If you listened to her, what she attempting is attempting to do is superhuman. All of this after posting the fastest time of all the competitors in the trial run.

Vonn may be a drama queen but one thing is certain, she's the best female skier on the planet. So good, in fact, that she is the only woman that can handle skiing at this level using the Men's skis. The ski's are long and faster and generally too much for women. She used them in this event and how did that turn out again? It turned out that she's the only woman to ever ski 1.8 miles in 1:44 on them. Pretty sick.

Cypress Mountain was rock hard, blazing fast, bumpy and apparently intimidating as hell to everyone other than the girls on the podium. 4 of the best skiers in the world and the only ones that had a shot of medaling were eating alive by Cypress Mountain. We saw 3 gnarly spills... one of which was one of Vonn's top rivals and best friends who land coming off that massive final jump where she flew 190 feet in the air before slamming down hard and sliding another 100 plus yards. Two more athletes had terrible falls nearly as bad but none of them were seriously injured. The final skier was a medal hopeful until she snow plowed down the hill because she was scared shitless after seeing the other three eat shit.

Day 5

Let's kick off the day with the Biathalon, which is a great event, but the mind numbing piece of information that Germany covets it so much that their Sports Man of the Year AND their Sports Woman of the Year were BOTH Biathaletes.... is that what their called... if not you know what I mean. Apparently Germany doesn't get out much. At least their not trying to pass off their 6'5" chiseled Greek gods with full beards and deep voices as their Women's Swim team. I still laugh at that one.

The Biathalon was a complete disaster. First the event officials made not one, not two but three major errors in allowing one woman and two men to leave early or late. At one point the American was passed by somebody that should have left before him. Huh? There is no way that mistake should ever happen during the Olympic Games let alone a high school track meet... and three times! Also, the commentators were lost as to who was in what position and arguing with each other over whether or not the leader board graphic on the screen was accurate or not. A total mess. How the fuck are we supposed to know what's going on when the officials, commentators and NBC doesn't have a clue?

These Olympics are being dubbed the "Glitch Olympics" and rightly or wrongly that falls on Canada. The cauldron malfunction, the "free the flame" chants going around Vancouver as officials have blockaded it off making it impossible to get anywhere near it, the fact the Ice rink didn't have zamboni capable of keeping the Olympic ice skatable and although it's not their fault the weather has also been a major obstacle.

It should be noted that NBC deserves just as much heat for their pedestrian effort... I'll get into all that in a future post.

"The Folks at Dreamworks..." spots are awful. They're promoting something, a movie or something but their doing a piss poor job of making it funny, interesting or relevent. TiVo fast forward button pressed.

Al Michaels interviewed Scott Hamilton about this years crop of medal hopefuls and no matter what name Michaels pulled out Hamilton responded with praise like "amazing", "spectacular", "flawless", "phenominal", "best" and even "superhuman" to describe each skater from each country. So in other words they're all Olympic skaters? Jesus Christ, Hamilton... give us something to work with here. Somebody has to lose... where ae these "super human" skaters weak and don't give me this bullshit that they have no weaknesses in their routine because three quarters of them ended up on their ass. I could have went on the air and blown smoke up all their asses and said that there were 10 legitimate medal contenders but who would that really have benefited?

The segment on Russian figure skater Yalsdjfoia Plushenko was awesome. He's a pompous, self centered, arrogant, delusional fuck... I thinke he's awesome! He does too. He also thinks he's the greatest figure skater of all-time... funny thing is... he might be right. He's the defending Gold Medal winner and had lost only one meet in every event he participated in for the 3 1/2 years leading up to that event and his loss, a second place finish. He won that Gold by 27 points... that's the equivalent of winning the Master's by 18 strokes like Tiger Woods did. He's in perfect position to tie Dick Button as the only 2-time Gold Medal winning skater by starting off the night with a personal best 90.85 score, which is remarkably high. He was on fire and made it look like a stroll through the park. It's hard to imagine him not equaling Button.

To say the Canadian skater had a bad day is like saying Kevin Smith is chubby.

I don't get how these skaters can spin like an ice auger without getting dizzy. Well, all of them but the Canadian.

Germany dominated Women's Luge as expected which really defies logic as far as I'm concerned. How can you be "better" at sledding? I get that these are Olympic athletes but really how much skill do you really need to lay down on a sled and enjoy the ride?

As of the Luge wasn't boring enough as it is NBC continued their horrible coverage by putting up on screen graphics that are impossible for anyone to understand. They are editing these things so tight that they are leaving out all explanation from one point to the next. First they said the USA was in frist place, obviosuly because they showed that run which put them there... then they decided to skip ahead without showing any other competitor and the on screen leader was Russia... the next person goes and the leaser was Germany... all in the matter of 3 runs. Not one iota of explanation, drama, or information as to what was happening and how it happened.

Lindsey Jacobellis... the girl is the Buffalo Bills of female Snowboarding. Dominates the season yet can't bring home the hardware on the biggest stage. She handles it with dignity and class and you can't help but love her and feel bad for her.

Canada went on to win their 2nd Gold ever in the event by a 31 year old woman that grew up Snowboarding the mountains of Vancouver. Nice little home field advantage.

Ralph Lauren cleary gets it too... what's more Amerian than Snowboarding in jeans. How cool are the USA snow pants? They look so much like blue jeans that if you didn't know they weren't... you wouldn't.

Even cooler than the snow pants is watching these girls shred that mountain. It's the one sport I can relate too...kinda. Not at that level obviously but it gives you the perspective of really being able to appreciate how difficult it really is what they are doing. It's like watching pro golfers... they make those shots look easy but I golf, and when I see it, I know it was an unbelievable golf shot. Watching those girls and their skills was sick.

It's also interesting how flight slows you down and the less your board is off the ice the better it is causing every jump to be strategic in that you want to barely clear the jump in order to land perfectly on the downward slop for spped and momentum. Such a skillfull event that they make look easy.

Chris Collinsworth, Baby! When him and Bob Costas are in the same room magic happens. This segment was on The Flying Tomato. How is Shaun White still only 23 years old? He's been famous for 15 years! He's such a celebrity and iconic athlete already - makes you sick doesn't it - that he simply cannot train anywhere that he will not get mobbed by fans, friends, the media, etc. How does he deal with it.... he has a helicopter drop him off in the midde of nowhere in Colorado where he has his very own private and untouched sick half pipe where he is able to train uninterupted and master tricks that nobody has ever heard of or seen let alone executed. That's just ridiculously awesome.

I love how McDonald's Chicken McNuggets are the official food of these Olympic Games. WTF?

The night in Figure Skating was wild.... 95% of the population couldn't stand in skates while these guys are doing triple flying spins and all kind of crazy spin moves effortlessly.

The Italian dude in the Hillbilly outfit was unwatchable. Italy must be proud.

USA #1 looked like Edward Scissorhands with pink tassles. His entire routine felt very Tim Burton-esque from the lenky arms and movements to the costume to the music. I sweat it looked like Jack Skellington from "The Nightmare Before Christmas" on ice. He even nicknames the song "I love you, I hate you." Alrighty then. As if that wasn't weirdo enough for you he would only speak to his coach in Russian... he apparently obsesses over anything Russian. He's a whacko but skated very well actually and will contend for a medal.

USA #2 also looked like a creature staight out of Tim Burton's whacky imagination. Only this guy looked like a Tim Burton crow. And he was amazing. He skatest the best routine he's ever skated and recorded a mammoth 90.30... that's a very close 2nd place and a good time to mention that Scott Hamilton is the last American to bring home the Gold in 1984.

USA #3 didn't fare so well. He looked like Opie Talor and skated like Donald Duck. Despite the fact that he is the current US Champion and in his last major meet defeated the aforemention Crow.

It was interesting seeing the reporters interview those skaters that performed excellent routines and those reporters that interviewed the skaters that pissed away any medal hopes. The reporters were either elated with them or shared tears. What an interesting job... no idea what mood your going to be in in 1:30.

Day 4

Even though ESPN fucked up the Men's Downhill results for me as I turned it there for 1 second, which was obviously long enough to hear them say "Bode Miller wins Bronze." So I emailed ESPN the ending of "Thelma and Louise". Take that you bastards.

The blue paint on the snow was very cool to show viewers and competitors alike the course but what the hell happened to the amazing graphic of showing the superimposed images of each skiers run down the mountain as if they were done simultaneously? NBC is getting cheap, lazy and sloppy. Who doesn't love that effect? Dick Ebersol apparently.

What happened to the greatest Skier in USA history Bode Miller? The rogue athlete that allegedly got drunk before his Olympic runs in Torino? This wasn't him... and probably the reason he won a medal. He was fast, in control and clean on the run which was mind boggling in itself but not near as shocking as his post race interview where he was humble, grounded and well spoken. Where the hell are we going to get our drama and theatrics from if we don't get it from old reliable Bode Miller? What's next... Kevin Smith going to apologize to Southwest Airlines because he IS fat?

Thanks, Mary Curillo, for the Polar Bears piece. Really. How else would I have found the time to go #2?

The Snowboarding Cross or any event on a board is awesome but it just doesn't feel Olympics to me. I see it and it's X-Games to me. What's next BMX tricks? I'll watch it but that don't make it feel Olympics. It also doesn't help that the commentators are boring and sound just like every X-Games event and not like the Olympics.

The Men's Cross was actually boring following the Men's Downhill but fucking spectacular after that stupid Polar Bear segment.

You know, I really thought I hated Chris Collinsworth but everytime NBC comes back from one of their billions of commercial breaks and the first thing I see is Bob Costas sitting there with Collinsworth my face lights up like joint at a Bob Marley concert. I can't explain it but I know I like it even though I shouldn't... like Animated porn.

They showed Picabo Street... the aging process treated her like a baby treats a diaper.

*Interesting fact... every 1/100 of a second equals 10 inches. If you were to lost a race by .02 seconds you would have only lost by 20 inches... I think.

Pairs Figure Skating... where if you're not gay, you're going through women faster than dark beer goes through me. So remember Fargo, ND "I learned to skate on a frozen pond behind my house" boy? Yeah, well he's dating the woman from the other USA team causing tension between them... really it's not but you know it is. They skated very well actually and his partner was flawless. She makes it look easy, smooth and effortless. Incidentally she's only 16 years old so in 2 years I'd like to be the first to comment on what a great ass she's "going to" have. Don't judge me... if they didn't tell you, you wouldn't know.

The finale of Day 4 was none other than "Oh Canada" being played for the first time ever in 3 Olympic Games on their home soul to very passionate fans that sang along with tears in their eyes. It must have been the greatest feeling in the entire world for the kid (who won Gold in the Men's Moguls) to hear his Countrie's National Anthem played for the first time ever and he is the reason why. He will forever be an Olympic hero, a Canadian icon. That's pretty special stuff and really what the Olympic Games are and should be about. I was happy for him and Canada.

Now the during the song I noticed a few things that I can't ignore:

1) The Medals are atrocious. Sorry, I think they're ugly. They're not even flat or round. More like wavy and roundish. Hideous but at the end of the day it's still a fucking Olympic Gold Medal who cares if they give you a Gold hub cap.

2) I don't think that kid knew the words... he tried like the first sentence, which everyone knows, then sort of panicked and stopped moving his lips at all.

3) The fans in that building more than made up for his lack of singing because they sang their asses off! That building was rocking. Good for you Canada... now can you please put your streetlights vertically like the rest of us?

Day 2 Stuff I forgot...

Feb 13...
I realized I overlooked a chunk of rants from my notes from Day 1 of competition, which is understandable considering the lack of mounting excitement and tension heading into these games.

That said...

The Short Track is remarkably intense. It's hard to watch without sitting on the edge of your seat chewing on the inside of our cheek. By the last lap I'm sucking blood. I may be restating things I've said before... it's all a big puddle of Olympic knowledge at this point and we've only just begun. The ironic anti climactic moment is the fact that I've already mentioned the fact Ono won the Silver after the two dip shit Koreans took themselves out therefore making any points surrounding it boring, redundant and moot. Moving on...

This was the day competition kicked off with the 37 minute rendition of the "We are the World" redux. Riveting stuff.

In other news I find it very interesting that the Whistler Sliding Center ruled "athlete error" in the tragic death of the Georgian Luger yet made drastic changes to the run. If it was his fault why were changes necessary? They slowed the run down from 95ish to 86ish mph by changing the ice, adding protective walls, shaving the corners, shortening the track by 200 yards and making the "50/50" curve the "95/5" curve all for a track that was already "perfectly safe". Curious.

It's only been a few days and the list of things gone wrong at these games is quickly mounting for Canada. Weather, the Luger death and safe/unsafe track, the lighting of the torch malfunction and on this day, and really the only inexcusable blunder is the ridiculously negligent treatment of the indoor skating rink. The ice was melting, the room temperature was wrong, the zamboni operators weren't experienced enough to fix the problem and when they tried they ruined the surface making it bumpy causing the head official of the building to get on a zamboni himself and resurface the entire arena delaying scheduled races by nearly 2 hours. Absolutely unacceptable and embarrassing. You need an MIT degree to figure out how to keep these arena's and the ice optimal for competition but the blunder lies in the fact that they had 4 years to prepare for this moment and the people involved should know how to deal with these problems. They didn't. Bad Canada.

Did I mention that Vancouver is the warmest Winter Olympic site in history, which began in 1924, at a stroking 38 degrees yet the coldest recorded temperature on the planet was -81 degrees (not counting wind chill in 1947? As I type it I realize I mentioned it previously. A prime example of being from the Department of Redundancy Department.

I also wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't at least mention the Canadian speed skating uniforms and they way they perfectly cupped the competitors balls much like a glove fits a hand. If you're a heterosexual male then be happy you missed it.

In the Primetime news, America's All American girl Lindsey Vonn caught a massive stroke of luck when weather pushed her event back by three days. Vonn is the best American skiier ever and defending 3 time World Cup Champion but she's dealing with a serious shin injury that could possibly prevent her from even competing let alone medaling. The extra three days is a godsend.

Short Track Speed Skating. What a great fucking event. Seriously. Time is irrelevent, the only thing that matters is crossing the line first and not physically interfering with the other skaters. Apolo Ono came out in the Semi's basically lolly gagging around the rink in 4th place until BAM he makes his move and blasted to the lead with a lap to go. One of the few can't miss Winter events.

Moguls. Another event where the HD picture is priceless. For the first time in Olympic history the viewer is able to see the 3D look of the challenging course in 2D. So cool.

Watching the three medalist ski moguls going that fast, that tight all while being that relaxed is impossible to fathom. It's the event that walks the fine line of being perfect and being out of control. A little less, you get beat... a little more, you eat shit.

In that event some interesting drama. USA sitting in gold medal position until she gets nipped by a Canadian with a slower time but tougher trick giving what appear to be the very first Canadian Gold on their home soil until the last competitor to go was an American that snatched that elusive medal leaving Canada empty handed yet again. Don't worry.... they finally played "Oh Canada" the following day when they one Gold in the Men's Mogul.

Luge. Uneventful. Lay down. Slide. Blah blah blah.

Days 2 and 3 of 17

Here's what I've learned after watching 2 1/2 days of these Winter Games... I like the Summer Games better. I never thought that, I actually always preferred the Winter Games as an Olympic fanatic. Now my angle is different, I'm not merely a spectator but a writer looking for hilarity to ensue and/or dramatic tension with highly polarizing characters. It's only been three days (I'm not including the day of) but it's also become obvious that what the Winter lacks is what the Summer has in spades. Drama. Suspense. Obviously there are many more events under the sun and multiple areas to do them but that's not really the point although it helps understand it.

The point is we were spoiled 2 years ago with Michael Phelps doing what has never been done nor will ever be done again. Until it is, I can say that. Each race he was involved in was must see tv. There were also many other athletes in the pool from the USA and other countries in both then men's and women's events with great story lines.

Usain Bolt was doing what no human in the history of the planet has ever been able to do. He's the biggest freak in sports history, I mean he has the title of Fastest Man in the History of the World with nobody even close. He had pizazz with his outfits and with the poses he struck. Again the entire track was surrounded with story lines for the boys and girls.

Gymnastics is well, gymnastics. Nothing but story lines.

Maybe another reason is the athletes in the snow are covered from head to toe making it less intimate. Either way... we need some frigid drama but there is still hope with the obvious cast of characters in "The Flying Tomato" Shaun White, Lindsey Vonn, Shani Davis, Apolo Ono and the lunatic Bode Miller... whom I'm really hoping and expecting to deliver in the drama department.

Of course most of the amazing stories, polarizing athletes and intense drama is likely to come from the unlikeliness of places, which is generally the case.

My thoughts on days 2 and 3 which isn't much...

Ski Jumping. Boring. It's usually not but it was this year. I don't know why. Theoretically shouldn't every single jump be exactly the same? I mean all they do is let go and slide off the ramp... how is one guy going further than another?

Biathalon. What a crazy goddamn event. Let's see... get your heart rate as high as possible through a cross country ski then lay in a prone position and fire your rifle at 5 targets 50 meters away the size of a condom. A missed target has to be "atoned for" which comes in the form of a 150 meter penalty lap, if you need to reload another penalty is incurred. I don't know half the rules, all I know is it was awesome. It's so hard none of the gold medal favorites earned a medal of any kind and the three winners were guys that weren't even considered as threats to win a medal. Now that's what I'm talking about.

Women's Hockey. There's a feminine joke there somewhere but I don't even care enough to crack one.

Nordic Combined. 25 minute long event and the only part that mattered was the last 15 yards where the American had a 20 yards lead but ran out of gas and gets passed by the Frenchman to lose by .04! Suicide is a better alternative than living with that for the remainder of your days. Some poor soul lost bronze by .07 the same way. The good news for the USA was in this event since the first Winter Games in 1924 no American has ever medaled.

Al Michaels interviewed J.R. Celsik form the Short Track, the same kid that is lucky to have won Bronze when the tow dip shit Koreans took each other out essentially handing Apolo Ono and him their medals, but even luckier to be alive after a skating crash cause his skate to damn near cut his leg off. Interesting fact... his Doctor was Eric Haiden who dominated the Sarajevo games by entering 5 speed skating events and taking home Gold in them all ala Mark Spitz and Michael Phelps.

Figure Skating finally kicks off. Not quite the same drama as oh say, Tanya Harding having her goons club Nancy Kerrigan but the first routine of the Games and China steps up and oh lodi dodi records the highest score ever in pairs with a 76.66... I could have said 7 right there and you wouldn't know the difference would you?

Americans stink again this year. How about a shout out for Fargo, ND in the Olympic Games! Dude learned to skate on a frozen pond behind his house in North Dakota... that my friends is the Olympic Games. Take it from me... I lived there. To make it out of that town to the Olympics is in itself a spectacular feat.

How ridiculously hard is this event to stay in unison, to music, with a personality that must show, theatrics, athletic ability, endurance on ice as if it were just another walk in the park.

Men's Mogul. Don't tell me you weren't pulling to see the man dubbed the "International Man of Mystery" win the Gold. It would have been irony at it's finest. Canada has never won Gold on their home soil yet the favorite was born and raised in Vancouver but moved to Australia and got his citizenship and elected to represent the team Down Under. It looked like he had it won until some Canadian kid came and smoked him forcing him to move out of the Gold lounger (what the fuck is that by the way, I have never seen the lounge chairs before and how shitty it must be to be dethroned like that). So we finally are forced to hear "Oh Canada". Now what should we talk about?

I love the event though... only one way to ski moguls. You tip toe on that point of a perfect run and completely fucking out of control.

Why does Dick Button change his boots for every interview with Al Michaels?

Controversy! Finally the Games bring something that isn't horribly bad news (Georgian Death in Luge) or almost just as bad news (Canada finally wins Gold). In Pairs Figure Skating Canada trips over themselves yet still managed to score a Silver Medal position to the commentators dismay. "Stunned". "Wow". "I don't know what to say". All immediate responses to the scores, which vaulted them and pushed the USA who seemingly had a much better and cleaner routine. Oh Canada!

That kid from Dancing with the Stars climbed to the top of the medal hierarchy and we were finally able to hear the Star Spangled Banner for the first time in these games. Ono also tied Bonnie Blair for the most decorated Winter Games US athlete with his 6th Medal, two of every color.

As for the Women's Moguls... US won Gold as I previously mentioned but what I forgot to mention was the size of the beak on the American that finished 3rd. Hey, it's not a beauty contest but some things you just can't ignore. That girl has quite possible the biggest Tucan beak I have ever seen on another human being let alone a girl. I'm not judging... Just saying.

Opening Ceremonies

As each day passes for these Olympic games there will be new observations of the day before. Last night was the Opening Ceremonies and Day 1 of 17 and here is what I saw.

First, here are some interesting tid bits of information about our goofy but friendly neighbors up North that my public education neglected to inform me. No chance they covered it and I missed it.

- Canada has 10 Provinces and 3 Territories. Why don't they just say 13 states? Okay I knew that but I totally forgot, which is really embarrassing since I used to live there. I went to college in North Dakota, Canada.

- They were in WWII before we were. Interesting... but they didn't make a movie so that's on them.

- Canada is the 2nd largest country in the world yet they only have 34 million people and 90% of their population lives within 100 miles of the United States. You know why, cause it's fucking cold up there.

- In 1947 they recorded -81 degree temperatures not counting wind chill making it the coldest ever recorded temperature, yet for these games Vancouver is the warmest host city in the history of the Winter Olympics at 38 degrees.

- Canada is the largest supplier of oil to the United States. I know! So then why have we not erased Iraq?

- Here's a shocker. The United States is their #1 tourist destination. They like shopping.

- Jim Carrey, Nelly Furtado, John Candy, Michael J. Fox, Neve Campbell, Seth Rogen, Celine Dion and Mike Myers are their celebrity claim to fame. After reading that list cracking a joke here would seem redundant.

All of that was very interesting as it was mentioned but the most impressive thing to me was the spectacular aerial shots showing off the unbelievable Canadian landscapes in my big ass HD LCD television.

Observation #1) The Olympics look fucking amazing in Hi-def. Like football good. That will actually keep me tuned into the Men's ice skating dance crap I hate.

2) The Canadian Mounted Police... I'm not sure if I think they're cool or gay.

3) Some Canadian chick sang their National Anthem, or whatever they call it up there,"God Save the Queen"... which raises two huge questions 1) why the hell did Celine Dion NOT sing it? I thought that was as obvious as the predicting of Wayne Gretzky to light the torch and 2) what the hell did the queen do to get into that kind of pickle anyway?

4) Donald Sutherland narrating was awesome! All I could think of was his character, Ronald, from 'Backdraft' who was so sick and deranged he made your tiny hairs stand up. There was something poetic about him narrating with that sociopathic undertone that came with it.

5) Nelly Furtado and Bryan Adams duet... holy shit was that painful.

6) These Ceremonies cost Canada about 40 million... Beijing was 400 million. Guess who has the smallest penis? Truth is these ceremonies and the projectors were awful in relation to Beijing but I'm not sure we'll ever see better than the Chinese effort. That said, Canada did fine. The projectors made for a very cool look on some of the scenes.

7) Lord of the Dance segment... cool... for a minute.

8) Peter Pan thing was boring... then okay... then weird.

9) The self indulgent Canadian poem reminded of the geek in 'Can't Buy Me Love' when he finally got the balls to stand up for himself after getting walked all over for the whole movie. I didn't realize Canada was so insecure.

10) K.D. Lang. Wow. I'm sure there's a joke there somewhere. He's such an easy target. Is he out of the closet yet by the way. The dude is obviously gay.

11) The Opera singer was painfully hard to listen to at midnight for God sake.

12) The moment of silence for the Georgian Luger that died was amazing. The 60k plus that were in attendance in that stadium held dead silence for a full 60 seconds. It's impossible for that many people to be that silent. Unbelievable and good for them.

13) Finally... the finale. Of course it was Wayne Gretzky... no surprise there. Steve Nash surprised me.

14) The malfunction was awkward for Wayne and Steve and company but they had ear pieces in and were well aware of what was happening. The malfunction probably left Canada feeling embarrassed and horrible about it but they shouldn't. The ceremony was unique, the attempt to light their cauldron indoors and in that fashion was creative and cool and to be honest the malfunction was great. It brought something human to a situation that is so hell bent on being perfect. Who cares? It didn't work, not only was it not a big deal but it actually made the Ceremony extremely memorable since nothing else did and we are not likely to forget the day Wayne Gretzky tried to light the flame but it malfunctions for 21/2 minutes before he could. It just took forever to get to that point and THEN he had to ride in the back of a truck for several blocks (which took forever) to light the real cauldron outdoors for all of Olympic Village and Vancouver to see burn for 17 days. To me it was memorable and that's really all you want.

It seemed to last an hour longer than it needed to but once they got the god damn thin lit it was cool. Don't tell me you didn't think that when Gretzky lit the bottom of the one outside in the rain that when that flame got half way up and flickered that you didn't think it was going to go out. Then it ignited and I could hear Canada exhale... and hiccup.

Let the Games begin...

And without further adeu let us begin the rants, the observations, the chaos and all the other amazing things that are sure to surface over the course of the next 17 days.
Considering NBC is doing the coverage yet again there shouldn't be a lack of comic material. The commentators alone drive me ape shit. Mary Carillo speaks like she has too many teeth in her mouth and with a swollen tongue. Chris Collinsworth couldn't get any more annoying as it pertains to his excitement that are the Olympic games. Dick Button, Al Michaels, Dan Patrick (WTF?) and Scott Hamilton just off the top of my head. I'll spare them for now since they are sure to be a heavy topic along the ride.

I've gone through the Olympic calender briefly and here are a few topics that I, for one, am looking forward to as well as a few other things relating to the games.

The early storylines and what to watch:

- Canada has already pissed off the field with their "It's our Olympics and we're not going to let you practice here because we want to win." stance. The result cost the life of one athlete already as he hit an unpadded steel pole at 88 mph. Nodar Kumaritashvili was 21 years old and died in route to the hospital. All of this coming after many athletes complained about their concern that Canada wasn't doing everything necessarry regarding safety. Nice start Canada. Backlash is likely to follow.

- Opening Ceremonies... same old bullshit I'm sure and after the spectacle that Beijing was there's no doubt this will seem lame. USA will be sporting their Ralph Lauren attire as if anyone gives a shit.

- Let's cut the shit... Wayne Gretzky is lighting the torch. Who the hell else does Canada have? Allanis Morissette? Speaking of which, isn't it ironic that the Winter Olympics are in Canada the coldest place on the planet yet Cypress Mountain soesn't have any snow?

- Lindsey Vonn was supposed to be the Michael Phelps of these games en route to 5 Gold medals and after smashing her shin training in Austria last week it's possible she may not even compete. Then again she was airlifted from the 2006 Torino Olympics and hospitalized after injuring her back but still managed to return and compete. She did not medal. Choke!

- Did I mention Vonn is using cheese to heel? I have no idea. Apparently wrapping her leg in cheese is supposed to reduce the swelling and do some other magical shit. If she wins a medal she's not going to need that elusive Wheaties box because she's going to make millions from Velveeta.

- Ski Jumping will be the first event. Good time to pee.

- Bode Miller is back and he's crazier than ever. If he stays up, he might dominate. In other words, he ain't going to win shit. But it's sure going to be fun as hell to watch the train wreck try.

- Apolo Ono. He's starting to remind of Dan Jansen only in the fact that it seems like he's been in the Olympics since the dawn of time. Oh by the way, he may add to his record setting number of medals.

- Dutchman Sven Kramer hasn't lost the Speedskating 5,000 meter since '07. Hope you like the Dutch National Anthem.

- The competitors for the Luge and Bobsled teams abroad have dubbed treacherous turn 13 the "50/50 curve" because half the time you'll make it, half the time you're eating shit.... and 1 time someone died.

- The Flying Tomato, Shaun White, is sick. The man breaks his face on a ramp in his warm ups for the X Games and looked like he might be crippled, instead he comes back and wins Gold. Team America! Fuck Yeah!

- Women's and Pairs Figure Skating. May as well start chanting "U-S-A, No fucking way!" That's real. Get over it.

- Mens Figure Skating. Maybe the deepest group ever for the States. That's all I got. Anything more and rumors will start.

- Women's Hockey. They should coast into the medal rounds and then hopefully and likely will get Canada in the Gold medal game. Then and only then will I watch even a second of that event. On second thought I'll just wait to see the final score.

- Men's Hockey. Haven't won Gold in 30 years. They have got to be motivated playing North of the border though and hoping to get Canada in the finals. Talk about bragging rights.

- Women's Luge. Germany is the equivalent to our Dream Team in basketball. Next.

- Men's Speedskating. Shani Davis does on frozen water what Michael Phelps does in 80 degree water. The 1,500 is in the bag barring catastrophe. Reportedly Stephen Colbert is sponsoring the 1,000 in an attempt to interview the uber private Davis.

- Men's Luge Doubles. Seriously? Two large grown men cuddled up on a plank the size of a large pizza. What's the next step... a "safe word"? Jeepers.

- Men's Figure Skating Free Skate. Let me know what happens. Secretly I'll be watching but you'll never catch me doing so and I'll deny it like I did masterbation the first few years.

- Women's Snowboarding/Halfpipe. Gretchen Bleiler Vs. the World. The girl has widely been considered the best in the World yet keeps missing out on the Gold. Doesn't that sort of mean that maybe she's not the best in the world?

- Men's Super G. Bode! Bode! Bode! Either he's wasted, eats massive shit or wins Gold. Any of which would be fucking awesome! I can't wait.

- Men's Skeleton. The most bad ass event in the Olympics. Face first death plunge at 85 mps on the fastest track on the globe with your beak 2 inches off the turf. Finish or die.

- Women's Super G. Vonn-go or Vonn-no-go. She can literally become a legend or a nameless faceless being in the blink of an eye. Much like my sexual performances in college.

- Cross Country 30K. Snore.

- Ice Dancing Free Dance. It's fun to see what races will get offended by the costumes. So touchy these Aboriginal peeps. Like anything bad ever happened to them.

- Women's Bobsled. Much like Nascar, you'll watch just to see the destructive wrecks. I cheer for wrecks, not injuries. It's also going to be a coin toss between Germany, Canada and the Stars and Stripes. Yeah, like I fucking know.

- Curling! 'Nuff said. And I mean that in an "It's Awesome" way.

- Closing Ceremonies.

I skipped a number of events but that's the gist of it. As each day unfolds I will post my observations the following day.